I am loved

There are always times in my life that I feel like life is going the way that it should go. No matter what I am happy. And I have a huge smile on my face. Dealing with unhappiness is always very tough but no matter what I am always rejoicing. Being happy is what get's me thru my days. Being able to see that people have a certain amount of love for me gets me thru my days. Not only does that make my heart smile I feel amazing inside and out. God gives you what you need from who you need it from. Not necessarily who exactly from peoole that you feel should have love for you. Either way, I love feeling good about everything. I love when life is good.

My life, it hurts

As I sit here today. I am sad. I feel that no one cares, I feel that no one truly loves me. Well in my family they don't. And that is a disappointment to me. I can't go to my mother. Everytime I try, I get met with damaging words. She may not mean it the way that it comes out but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I often feel alone. All I have to hold on to is my kids. I know that they do truly love me. So I try not to mess up my relationship with them. A lot of times, I smile because that is what I am used to doing, covering up my feelings, masking the pain that I feel. I get what I need from who I need ot from. God makes sure that I smile daily. He knows what I need.

I gotta do better

My life has taken a downfall recently. I feel that I can't trust people. They always let me down. Instead of me doing what is normally right, I want to do what I want to do. I don't trust men. They lie so easily and look you right in your face and lie. I am so tired of always being on the receiving end of a lie. I often keep details about myself from new people that I meet. I don't trust many people. I am tired of being tired. Guys wanna meet me for the wrong reasons. Guys see me and think about sex. I feel that is all they want to deal with me for. That makes me feel horrible and worthless in their eyes. They see me as somebody that they can fuck or get to give them head and I am not about that. Every guy that I meet I wants to have sex because they think I am pretty. Why can't I just be a nice lady that guys wanna be friends with? Everything is about sex nowadays and I don't feel that is right. But it is the way of the world now. Most days I don't do my hair and it is often in a ponytail to the back. It doesn't matter to me that I look like that. I'm ok, with looking the way that I look. I still smile anyway. I try my best to make sure that I keep a good relationship with my children. They are all that I have. I do not have a good relationship with certain parts of my family. And that hurts me deeply. I get sad at times but I have to hold it in. My children make me laugh, make me cry, make me smile feel good about me. They are all that I have.