Sunday, September 28, 2014

Crooked Smile

Me and my crooked smile So for the longest time, Damn near all of my life I have struggled within myself. I never thought I was pretty enough or good enough. I was pretty weird looking growing up and never felt pretty. I was weird looking and I didn't look like anybody else in my family. I come from a family where all skins are lighter than mine. My mom's is very light, my sister  is a little slightly browner than her and I am darker than the both of them. Growing up, I was darker than I am now. I always had people that made me feel like I was as pretty than them. My sister always had all of the guys who followed her around but nobody liked me. I was darker than dark and had ugly teeth. For a long time I felt uncomfortable for a long time. As I got older my looks changed. My teeth straight the dimple that I had became more noticeable. I saw picture of me smiling and a saw my dimple, I was amazed!! I had never noticed it as I was growing up. As I smiled,  I noticed something that made me feel better about myself. I always had insecurities growing up. As I grew and began to flourish I became noticeably pretty to all the boys. When I was in the 8the grade when had a dance. My mom was a hot mom and let me borrow one of her "move something" dresses for my dance. I wore the dress to school and had all of the boys in my schools attention. I had never had that so I was excited!! I began to see ho it felt for guys to want me. I felt pretty finally.

Since my sister always had all the guys, I would always get these funny looking brothers or cousins that only talked to me because they came with the guys who visited my sister. My sister had a boyfriend who had a cousin, who was fiiinnneee!! I was deathly afraid of his cousin who came to talk to me. They came to visit often and He would always sit on the porch with me. I was very shy, I wouldn't even look him in his face. I loved his visits but it was akward because I liked him so much I couldn't look at him. I was very shy. I can laugh about now that I am older now.

Now that I am older I can appreciate myself now; however when I was younger I always figured that I was too weird looking for anybody to like or appreciate me. I look back at all of my younger pictures and I can smile looking back at myself.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

MACK WILDS New York A Love Story

So I have been a fan of Mack's since he was Tristan Wilds from AKA  from The Wire. I followed his career since "The Wire" saw in the role he saw him as a young kid, potraying a young boy becoming a man in the drug game on the  mean streets of Baltimore. The Wire was was of my favorite shows all time. I was drawn into Tristan by the rugged character he portrayed. Of course that being "The Wire" I really got into the show as most of the people that I knew did. I was  definitely into the show. Being where I am from I was able to relate with the show and made sure I tuned in every week. I guess I liked bad boys. He was very attractive to me. I followed him on Instagram as I did with a couple others that I liked. After The Wire had stopped airing I continued  following him. Just happened to be going down my time line one day and saw a picture he posted of a red tape. It was actuallya cassette tape of his first album that he made. It is titled New York A Love Story. That excited me and that rushed to YouTube to see if he had anything there. I was excited to see that he had made a little noise on YouTube saying that he had a new CD that had actually came out in August. It was September already. I saw that he had made some noise on YouTube. He had a single named "Own It". I heard the single and I loved it. I honestly was unsure of what to expect; because when I saw the tape on his Instagram I was unsure of what he was doing. Did he sing? Or did he rap? I am a fan of both so it really didn't matter which one it was, I was  just excited that he was making music. When I first heard him sing and rap, it was like heaven opened up and allowed me in. To hear #NYALS was such a sweet sound to my ears. I listened and was throughly impressed. First the cover of his CD was simply him sitting in a chair on a rooftop with New York in the background as a backdrop..Now I like to purchase CDs because I am a reader. I not only listen to the music, I read the insert of the CDs from beginning to end. Im a reader, sorry. I like to see what is going on from beginning to end. As I read the insert I see that Mack as he likes to be called now. (HE says it's because he wants to be more personal with his fans) There are a collection of photos inside of Mack and a few At the end of the thank yous' he thanks you for rocking with him and purchasing his album. I see that he has had a hand in majority of the writing in this album. His CDs has 13 songs on it. There are only 2 songs that he has people guest star on his CD. The first song is "Wild Things" in which he has fellow Staten Islander Method Man on the course of this dope song. I love hip hop. The beat is crazy and to have Method Man on your song, you can never go wrong. Mack actually had help from the heavy hitter Salaam Remi, who also.helped Mack executive produce
his love story for his home state. Mack had help from not only Method Man but also had another Staten Islander Raekwon and Dougie Fresh on "U can cry to me" to give it that A1 feel. So I found Mack's CD, it actually took me a minute only because his CDs was not in any of the closest to me. However I was pleasantly surprised when I purchased his CD because although the first song that I heard on YouTube was nice I finally go a chance to hear the entire CDs first hand. His CD could be listened to from start to finish. He had a lot of great songs on it. Henny was actually a Mob Deep song "The Learning (Burn) that he transformed in to his own. So proud of him for that. He remade Michael Jackson's song "Remember the Time". I can say his album was definitely a great album to listen to. He also had help from Neyo, Rico Love, James Poster, James Fauntleroy, and the heavy hitter Teddy Riley along with a  collection of other song writers to add the finishing touches to his masterpiece. Although I love every song there were certainly more than a few that stood out in my mind. (Don't Turn Me Down, The Sober Up, The Art of Falling and Duck Sauce) Mack as he wants to be called hits a grand slam with his very first CD, straight out of the park. The CD "NYALS" sounds amazing. I definitely recommend his music to everybody. His music defintely has a New York feel to it.
His followers "The WildThings" always has Mack's back when it comes to supporting him and is always there to support him whenever he has a performance. He actually received a Grammy Nomination on his CDs, which he did an excellent job his first time out. I was truly surprised by the nomination because it was his very first album but I wasn't because the music was excellent.  Although I have yet to see Mack in person. My other obligations (having mommy obligations) kept me from being able to see him on tour. I am eagerly awaiting his new music.

THROWBACK THURSDAY

So today is Thursday right? I have to tell something about myself.Throwback info? Well I am coming into my own. I am becoming better abt myself. Becoming more comfortable being me.I can truly say that I love myself. I am comfortable in the skin that I am in. It has been a long road and my journey with my being comfortable with myself is far from over. AS a kid, I was teased better yet tormented and that stuck with me for the majority of my life. I can I  truly say that I love my brown skin that I am in..Every curve that I have, I am thankful for it.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

God is doing something

So throughout my life time I have learned that I can't rush God, I have to wait on his timing. Me personally, I am the type of person that wants, things when I want them. Often I almost miss my blessings because I always want everythings how and when I want them. Since I am on a new journey, I have to remind myself to be open to all opportunities. I am uncertain of how things workout, all I know is that I have to trust God. My future is looking kinda crazy all I know is that I have to trust God. It seems as if nothing is working out the way they they should be. 

Productive Parentimg

Haven't been written in a few days, actually abt. 2 weeks and I need to get caught up. My life has been kinda busy so I didn't have time to really write. Being a parent takes up more time than I realize at times but I am not complaining because I have plans for my kids. They won't be perfect but they will work hard to become great people. I love my job as a parent. For me to be a great role model for my kids I have to put them before I put myself. I am okay with that just to make sure I help my kids to become a much better person than I was at their ages. 

God put your here for a reason

Now here's the time to put up or shut up. Time to sink or swim. Are you going to live life the way you want or are you going to continue to watch life pass you by. Shit or get off the pot, if you will. If you need some extra courage or help, mmbotivation to get you need to beb then by all means get it. Remember you never want to be stuck in the same position that you have been. Always make sure you are progressing, always moving forward. This is really a note to self actually. My life is designed for a to fail. This average life was put in front of me to live, well this average life isn't what I want. Pastor Joel Osteen always reminds me that God wants us to live above and beyond what we expects to live, abundantly blessed lives therefore I will not and can not be average. My God didn't give me this life to be normal so I won't be. I only have one life to live so why not live it to the fullest and get everything I am going after. Live!!



Selfishness

Being selfish is never me, that isn't something that I do. I am always trying to help everybody that I can. However it often occurs to me that people never invest in me how I invest in them so I have be able to be selfish. Selfish with mytume, selfish with my love, jst selfish  with me period. In order for me to get everything that I want and need I gotta be selfish. Nobody will give be anything so I have to take what I want and need. LIFE is filled with choices and I choose to put myself first. I have always been first to help others even when others left me hanging. I was born with a Good heart. I enjoy helping others, damn near everybody can and will get help from me. I realized thermometer was willing to help me. No I am not a person who never does Good and I am not the person to watch everybody else struggle. I try but most often the help is not reciprocated. You can't get mad just know that those people you trust can't be trusted as much as you thought you could trust them.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Being a better me

So I am in awe of Gods goodness. I kept always feeling like I never got any big blessings until today. I got one today though. I can truly say that I am blessd and I have received the hugest blessing ever. My daughters school have helped me tremendously. Being a single parent has afforded me a few hardships along the way. I am always feeling like I struggling more than I have to. I have decided to stop crying and take charge of my life. No pity parties for me, just keep it moving. I don't look to others to help me although I should not be raising my children by myself, I feel like this may have been a calling by the Lord. There are things that I don't quite yet understand however; I simply have to take it in stride. Life is tricky sometimes and you just have to go with the flow of it all and be determined to finish.Got to stay positive and keep moving forward and believe in your dreams despite what others are saying. You simply have to talk yourself out of listening to other voices, including the voices in your own head that tell you that you don't know what you are doing. Stand your ground and know that everything will the way that you want it to. No matter what believe in you. Don't take no for an answer, keep on striving to be your best. You determine your own outcome. No matter what study your craft and always continue to be in learning mode. You are a forever a student continuing to learn in this game of life. I simply said to myself that I won't give up on me, I will not lose no matter what cards I am dealt. I am always on a quest to be better. And do better than I was taught. I gotta make sure I make it and do better. Never stay where I came from. Always dreaming with my head in the cloud, dreaming big. Wanting more than I thought I can ever imagine. More than I see myself getting. I have to see need than I actually see.

Living life on my own terms

So I am not concerned anymore anout how others feel I gotta just do what comes naturally and live. Am I nervous? Yes. Do I get scared yes? But that doesn't keep life from going on. Fuck that scared shit. Fuck that nonsense. I gotta live, let life happen. No more being too apologetic, no more worrying about petty bull sh_t gotta let that sh_t go. Who cares abt the nonsense. Let that scared shit blow out of the window like a cook breeze, feels good tho right? It ain't easy but let that shit go. Who needs that? Just my inner thoughfs,my inner minds creeps up and tries to take control of everything. Let that go. Be unafraid and relax.This is life, go and do what comes naturally. 

Going with the flow of life.

I am about to get a little more open. Lemme began to express myself without thinking abt it. I am always careful abt everything. A good friend got me this way, making sure that I protected my image, even if noone is watching that I no of. Always be mindful of people no matter what. This is something that I wanna do, just because I do. I have to let go of my fears before I talk myself out of it. Nevousness keeps me from being open but curiousty is making this cat anxious. I gotta do it. There will always be the what ifs and unanswered questions and thoughts. I gotta relax and let go. It's life, gotta go with the flow of it.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Meeting my fav

So I can write this down in my own personal history. As I sat down I logged on to Twittaa as I call it for a min, just to see what they were tweeting abt. As soon as I got on one of my Angel Sisters retweeted a tweet from Trey. It was a pic and he said he was comin to my city, he was comin to Detroit, Mi!! My jaw dropped and I suddenly got excited. I suddenly got excited, I would have a chance to meet the guy that I admired for the last few years. The guy that gave me the strength to simply be myself. Of course I retweeted what my she had retweeted and I instantly went to his page to make sure and to see if he was still tweeting. Yeesss, my dreams were coming true. Did I have a chance that many fans/Treys Angels have had before me? It seems as if I did as I looked at the picture that Trey tweeted and posted on instagram. I had to immediately start planning for that day, I wanted my first meeting with my fav to be special. I wanted him to remember me, I wanted to always stick out in his mind. As I read the flyer Trey posted I realized what you had to do to meet him. In order for you to meet him you had to purchase one of Treys brand new CDs entitled "TRIGGA" for FYE. Now I had previously purchased his newest CD more than a few times but since I had to purchase another to get his autograph, it looked like thats what I was going to be doing. I was overjoyed, I had never been in front of, I had never been actually face to face with the singer. I was so excited, me meeting Trey Songz the singer, I was ready. Actually I was ready since the I first saw the flyer he tweeted. That was 2 days before the actual meeting was to take place. I replayed and replayed the thought of us meeting in my head all day. I kept thinking actually fantasizing about our meeting. I wasn't sure who all knew about him coming to Detroit so I texted, messaged who all didn't know Trey was on his way to Detroit on a few days. I had texted a few spoken to a few other Angels who were deciding if they were actually coming out. I had spoken to Dominique an Angel who was trying to see if she was coming out. She was another Angel that lives in another city here. We exchanged number so that I coyld see if I could meet her there as well. She was going to meet me at the signing along with Kesh that next day. I texted Kesh, another Treys Angel who responded and said that she would be at work early that day and asked me if I would purchase her copy for her and she would be joining me after words. Of course I could for her. She had met Trey maybe a good 3 or 4 times previously and would love to meet him again at this signing. I was beyond excited and words couldn't contain my happiness. I had to make sure everything was perfect for me to meet him. My children go to summer camp everyday from 8 am to 5pm since I was going to meet Trey this day I decided to keep them with me. Trey loves kids anyway and I know that my kids would get a kick out of meeting Trey so we, my younger 2 kids and I set out to Berkeley that morning. The bus actually took longer than anticipated so we actually caught a cab and it actually wasn't as far as I expected Well I actually never inquired how far Berkeley was from where I live. We arrived at FYE shortly after 9 am and FYE opened at 10 am. As we pulled up I noticed the line to FYE was wrapped around the corner. That discouraged me a tad bit because I never realized how big of a star my fav was until I saw the line wrapped around that corner. I knew he was a humongous super duper star but people go extra hard for stars that they love. I knew when I got there and saw those other fans, I knew our day was goin to be long. When we arrived I instantly searched through the crowd for anybody that I knew. But once I didn't see anybody I just stood in line like the others waiting to see Trey. Once it turned 10 am and the store opened we all waited in line to buy our copies of #TRIGGA and to receive a wristband ensuring that we would get our CDs signed by our fav artist. I was so excited that I was even there. I had never even met Trey before, I had heard all of these stories from everybody else and I just wanted to see what it was really like. I relished the thought. He had meant so much to me.He had helped me so much just by being himself, just by having the attitude that he had, being so selfless, I had to me him. Eventually we were led in one by one to purchase our copies of Treys latest CD. I found at least another Treys Angels Sister Jayne that I had spoken to on Twitter but never met before. As I purchased my copy, I also had bought a copy for another Angel Kesha who was at work but would be joining me after she got off of work around 12 pm. My children were behaving and I was happy as we sat down and waited for the meeting to begin. It was shortly after 10 and we had all day to wait. I found Jayne and sat near her and the others she was with. Dominique came shortly after and I was happier to at least know a few others that were among all of the young ladies that were there. Sitting there was a task being that it was only 10 am and Trey wasn't scheduled to be there until 4 pm. I had my copies of #TRIGGA along with the wrist band that ensure my meeting of him. Only one was mine, the other copy belong to Kesha who was coming to meet me and wait in line to get her CD signed as well. We all sat as I listened to all of the other women tell me about there times of meeting him and being in his company I was psyched about meeting him. We had time to kill and the kids were bored so I kind of let them play inside of the store while we waited. Passing time talking helped me. We waited and they finally asked up to get amped up to see Trey. Most of the people there had started screaming, it was almost time for him to arrive.As they. Got us really to see him and while we were sitting waiting these guys were walking around the store. The radio station came and started interviewing people. I got excited because I was imagining what our meeting would be like. In my head there were many of scenarios that played out.  Finally his people got everything togethef in coordination with the stores policies There were other people walking around and I thought I knew most of Treys entourage but I was still unsure of who everyone was. All of a sudden everyvody started screaming and I am standing there bewildered looking for this guy who,  in my opinion had changed my life, my thoughts and my beliefs in life. While everybody was screaming, I was looking for this amazing guy qho had changed my life. This guy who made me believe in myself in over 20 years. The guy who didn't even know that I existed other fhan a few tweets. Orginally I had only bought one CD and then I figured that it would be cool if my kids had there own CD, their own personally experience with Trey. My kids would thank me for this hopefully. Lol So I got my 2nd CD for the kids to get signed, so that they could havevtheir very own Trey experience, just as I was. So I hear all of these screams and in walked one of my favorite people in the world. Looking at him I was kinda shocked, I didn't know wgat to expect. But there he stood, all 6'1" inches of the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen in my life. All of the pictures that I had seen. The pictures most certainly hadn't did him any justice. And that beautiful smile lit up the entire store. Whenever you saw that smile you couldn't help but to smile as well. Amid of all the screams, the manager had actually gotten us to quiet down, line up and get ready to get our CDs signed. They had us take our booklets out so that Trey could autograph each one individually. This moment had always been a dream of mine to actually of mine. I couldn't believe he was standing that close to me. I wanted to pass out, I wanted to scream but I had to hold it together. I didn't want my kids to see me freak out so I held my composure and kept myself together while awaiting to see this man in person, to touch him to hold his hand, just to be as close to him as possible.  We were all lined up and I kept imagining how this moment would be played out. Then they had us all lined up with out booklets to our CDs out. My imagination was getting the better of me. We were all lined up waiting to meet Trey, this guy that I held close for so many years. I had never been this close to him and now that I was, I didn't know what to do. I patiently await my turn in line as I got closer to my dream of meeting Trey and actually speaking to him, smiling at him and being able to be as close to him as possible. My wildest dreams have came true and I was so excited I couldn't speak. As we got closer to the table I started to get really nervous. What would I say? What would I do? Would I spazz out, cry or simply play it cool? I mean he was only Trey fuckin Songz, the man I had admired since 2010 not only for his music but also his views on life. He had became not only a sex symbol to me also a life coach and mentor. I loovvee Tremaine Aldon Neversome. He meant the world to me. As my children and I stood in line to meet him with about 5 people i
n front of me I started to relax. I said Cici, his assistant greeting everybody as we all stood in line. The women in front of us were trying to decide who would record their experience, they couldn't decide so graciously asked me if I would record theirs. I agreed and began to record theirs. We were next and I became quiet as if I couldn't talk. I was the proud mom as I watched my children interact with Trey as his face lit up as my children approached him. He saw me, smiled and spoke. I smiled the biggest brightest smile and reciprocated the greeting. I watched my children have the experience of my life. Lol Him loves kids and hevwas really having a great time with the kids. I totally loved the way he interacted with my kids,  even hi5'ng my son. As my kids walked away they walked as away my daughter walked away she slid Trey a small FYE bag. She told Trey "I have a gift for you" he was quite surprised as she handed the vag. He opened the bag a saw the pack of starburst. He smiled, as he took the candy out of the bag. "I love Starburst" he told her. I smiled hard. My daughter kbew qhat she was doing, I taughter her well. Well Trey signed our booklets and it was over. We walked away with smiles on our faces as we looked at our signed autographed booklets. Our moment with Trey was over so quickly I couldn't believe it. Then I realize that I barelg even spoke to Trey. I immeadiately started going over what I shold have did, what I should have said to make my moment last longer. As we walked down the street I kept saying "I never even talked to Trey, he didn't even notice me" And I was sad. My kids said "Mom, you didn't hear him speak to you?" I said "Noo" and couldn't believe he actually was talking to me and I didn't hear anything from him, I didn't even acknowledge him at all. I felt like a loser because I never did all of the things I said I would do when I first meet Trey but I just looked at mg signed booklet and smiled to myself. After all I did meet Trey and got my first signature from the man I have always admired.













Friday, September 12, 2014

Typical

Getting to know me is very difficult. I can tell you that I am not a typical woman. The questions that you typically ask other women gets on my fucking nerves. And that shows me that you are a typical guy so I don"t want to talk to you in the first place. Distinguish yourselves from the average guy because I am a different type of woman so pleasr don't treat me as if I am one of them. Give me a reason to allow you to pursue me. Most guys only want sex anyway and they will try their damnest to get what they want.
I feel like why give you tips to get the key and open the door to my heart if you aren't who I want or feel that you aren't worthy of giving my love to? I don't want every guy opening my heart up and using me for their own personal needs and uses. I am a limited edition. Not for every guy. Most guys will tell you what you want hear to get close to your heart. Only to use you for their own personal reasons. I can't stand guys like that. Selfish ass negro who want you for their own pefsonal use.