Nosey naa, inquisitive yes

To be able to understand the inner working of things. Everything. I have to see how everything works. Not to be nosey but to figure out how things work. To understand everything. To get a clearer frame of mind on how things work out. My mind often wanders, just trying to see What makes things tick. Always been built that way, forever have a need for knowledge. Always need to see how everything gets meshes together. To become the way it is. I'm a weirdo, I know. That makes me different from everybody else. I tried for a long time to fit into everybody else stereotypical version only to realize that I was born to stand out, to truly fit in. To simply be myself. I tried to be somebody else rather than just being myself. That shit really didn't work for me, I can only be, only be just simply me. I always even as a kid wanted to know What was, What cld hv bn. I always tried to figured out why rather than just leaving it all alone. My mind races too much entirely to leave well enough alone. There are still questions to be asked and answered. I always thought I was simply too weird to fit in, rather than standing out as I seem normally inclined to be.

My Life: Who would like to help and be a blessing to me?

My Life: Who would like to help and be a blessing to me?: I am reaching out out to everyone and sharing my story for the christmas holiday I am not the type of person to ask for help. However I am ...

Who would like to help and be a blessing to me?

I am reaching out out to everyone and sharing my story for the christmas holiday I am not the type of person to ask for help. However I am hoping that people really want to be a blessing to me. Life gets hard at times however I just have to have faith that the Lord will work everything out.I have to believe, even if I have faith thesize of a mustard seed. I am a single parent who has multiple sclerosis which makes it hard for me to do everyday things, including work.  I have a Go Fund Me acct Help me please, thank you.

http://gofundme.com/msmatara
 

P.S. Any help is appreciated, thank you again, God Bless

I clearly don't understand

I am having the damnedest time getting some understanding. I feel so lost. I do not want to feel like I have No faith in the Lord however I feel like I keep hitting my head against a brick wall. I have yet to understand my life. I feel stupid because I keep going through so much and I keep getting cut off from any help. I clearly didn't understand why. When in fact, I was looking the wrong way, barking up the wrong tree. However I just have to have faith in the Lord and know he won't steer me wrong. They say that you will keep reliving the same situations until you get it, until you understand your mistake and until you change your way of thinking, changing your mind. Some situations aren't as easy to get, aren't as easy to understand or get the gist of and it takes a little bit longer to go through. And during that time you are clueless and wondering which way to go. You can often ask God why is this happening to me?  Why do I continue to go through the same situation, why these situations keep repeating themselves, why I keep reliving them or why life is a continuing time give me the same instances?  You have to stop and think about everything that you go through and figure out what works best for you and move forward accordingly. Learning how to move forward in the right way that works best for you is what needs to be done. I am beginning to do just that and moving forward is what is best for me.

Taylor Swift - Shake It Off

This is what you do when ppl are bothering you  with drama and nonsense. #ShakeItOff #DontBeBothered

He is always around tryna cause trouble

These past weeks I have been troubled about a lot of pettiness and I can't seem to shake the nagging troublesome devil who always seems like a thorn in my side, a weight on my back that I can not get rid of. I can never understand why I am always his target. No matter what it seems as if I can't be somewhere, and anywhere and trouble not follow me. Trying to torment me, trying to scare me into anxiety attacks and scare me into silence. I am not sure why that is but I am not the same person that I was years ago. Hell, I am not the same person I was yesterday. I try to improve my life daily because I do not want to be the "old me". It is time for a recreation and time to always do what I wanted to do. I do not want to just exist in the world, I wanna live and do all the things and explore all that I can. I wanna fuckin be great, no matter what.

Not sure how long it will take me to get to the level I wanna be on to feel complete however I won't stop until I feel I am done.

Fall Fashion Tips

Fall fashion Tips with Ms Mika Joi at Old Navy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlK24wKwTKU&feature=youtube_gdata_player ����������

Fun Days

Being able to be happy being a kid. Sun days are the best days. After school playing in the playground while the sun shine on us as the time passes is the best. Not even taking off my backpack to have fun makes me smile, laugh and just enjoy day. Climbing the monkeybars, hanging upside down, running around laugh and playing with my friends gives me Good memories of great times.

Richard King - Plus One

New Music

Crooked Smile

Me and my crooked smile So for the longest time, Damn near all of my life I have struggled within myself. I never thought I was pretty enough or good enough. I was pretty weird looking growing up and never felt pretty. I was weird looking and I didn't look like anybody else in my family. I come from a family where all skins are lighter than mine. My mom's is very light, my sister  is a little slightly browner than her and I am darker than the both of them. Growing up, I was darker than I am now. I always had people that made me feel like I was as pretty than them. My sister always had all of the guys who followed her around but nobody liked me. I was darker than dark and had ugly teeth. For a long time I felt uncomfortable for a long time. As I got older my looks changed. My teeth straight the dimple that I had became more noticeable. I saw picture of me smiling and a saw my dimple, I was amazed!! I had never noticed it as I was growing up. As I smiled,  I noticed something that made me feel better about myself. I always had insecurities growing up. As I grew and began to flourish I became noticeably pretty to all the boys. When I was in the 8the grade when had a dance. My mom was a hot mom and let me borrow one of her "move something" dresses for my dance. I wore the dress to school and had all of the boys in my schools attention. I had never had that so I was excited!! I began to see ho it felt for guys to want me. I felt pretty finally.

Since my sister always had all the guys, I would always get these funny looking brothers or cousins that only talked to me because they came with the guys who visited my sister. My sister had a boyfriend who had a cousin, who was fiiinnneee!! I was deathly afraid of his cousin who came to talk to me. They came to visit often and He would always sit on the porch with me. I was very shy, I wouldn't even look him in his face. I loved his visits but it was akward because I liked him so much I couldn't look at him. I was very shy. I can laugh about now that I am older now.

Now that I am older I can appreciate myself now; however when I was younger I always figured that I was too weird looking for anybody to like or appreciate me. I look back at all of my younger pictures and I can smile looking back at myself.

MACK WILDS New York A Love Story

So I have been a fan of Mack's since he was Tristan Wilds from AKA  from The Wire. I followed his career since "The Wire" saw in the role he saw him as a young kid, potraying a young boy becoming a man in the drug game on the  mean streets of Baltimore. The Wire was was of my favorite shows all time. I was drawn into Tristan by the rugged character he portrayed. Of course that being "The Wire" I really got into the show as most of the people that I knew did. I was  definitely into the show. Being where I am from I was able to relate with the show and made sure I tuned in every week. I guess I liked bad boys. He was very attractive to me. I followed him on Instagram as I did with a couple others that I liked. After The Wire had stopped airing I continued  following him. Just happened to be going down my time line one day and saw a picture he posted of a red tape. It was actuallya cassette tape of his first album that he made. It is titled New York A Love Story. That excited me and that rushed to YouTube to see if he had anything there. I was excited to see that he had made a little noise on YouTube saying that he had a new CD that had actually came out in August. It was September already. I saw that he had made some noise on YouTube. He had a single named "Own It". I heard the single and I loved it. I honestly was unsure of what to expect; because when I saw the tape on his Instagram I was unsure of what he was doing. Did he sing? Or did he rap? I am a fan of both so it really didn't matter which one it was, I was  just excited that he was making music. When I first heard him sing and rap, it was like heaven opened up and allowed me in. To hear #NYALS was such a sweet sound to my ears. I listened and was throughly impressed. First the cover of his CD was simply him sitting in a chair on a rooftop with New York in the background as a backdrop..Now I like to purchase CDs because I am a reader. I not only listen to the music, I read the insert of the CDs from beginning to end. Im a reader, sorry. I like to see what is going on from beginning to end. As I read the insert I see that Mack as he likes to be called now. (HE says it's because he wants to be more personal with his fans) There are a collection of photos inside of Mack and a few At the end of the thank yous' he thanks you for rocking with him and purchasing his album. I see that he has had a hand in majority of the writing in this album. His CDs has 13 songs on it. There are only 2 songs that he has people guest star on his CD. The first song is "Wild Things" in which he has fellow Staten Islander Method Man on the course of this dope song. I love hip hop. The beat is crazy and to have Method Man on your song, you can never go wrong. Mack actually had help from the heavy hitter Salaam Remi, who also.helped Mack executive produce
his love story for his home state. Mack had help from not only Method Man but also had another Staten Islander Raekwon and Dougie Fresh on "U can cry to me" to give it that A1 feel. So I found Mack's CD, it actually took me a minute only because his CDs was not in any of the closest to me. However I was pleasantly surprised when I purchased his CD because although the first song that I heard on YouTube was nice I finally go a chance to hear the entire CDs first hand. His CD could be listened to from start to finish. He had a lot of great songs on it. Henny was actually a Mob Deep song "The Learning (Burn) that he transformed in to his own. So proud of him for that. He remade Michael Jackson's song "Remember the Time". I can say his album was definitely a great album to listen to. He also had help from Neyo, Rico Love, James Poster, James Fauntleroy, and the heavy hitter Teddy Riley along with a  collection of other song writers to add the finishing touches to his masterpiece. Although I love every song there were certainly more than a few that stood out in my mind. (Don't Turn Me Down, The Sober Up, The Art of Falling and Duck Sauce) Mack as he wants to be called hits a grand slam with his very first CD, straight out of the park. The CD "NYALS" sounds amazing. I definitely recommend his music to everybody. His music defintely has a New York feel to it.
His followers "The WildThings" always has Mack's back when it comes to supporting him and is always there to support him whenever he has a performance. He actually received a Grammy Nomination on his CDs, which he did an excellent job his first time out. I was truly surprised by the nomination because it was his very first album but I wasn't because the music was excellent.  Although I have yet to see Mack in person. My other obligations (having mommy obligations) kept me from being able to see him on tour. I am eagerly awaiting his new music.

THROWBACK THURSDAY

So today is Thursday right? I have to tell something about myself.Throwback info? Well I am coming into my own. I am becoming better abt myself. Becoming more comfortable being me.I can truly say that I love myself. I am comfortable in the skin that I am in. It has been a long road and my journey with my being comfortable with myself is far from over. AS a kid, I was teased better yet tormented and that stuck with me for the majority of my life. I can I  truly say that I love my brown skin that I am in..Every curve that I have, I am thankful for it.

God is doing something

So throughout my life time I have learned that I can't rush God, I have to wait on his timing. Me personally, I am the type of person that wants, things when I want them. Often I almost miss my blessings because I always want everythings how and when I want them. Since I am on a new journey, I have to remind myself to be open to all opportunities. I am uncertain of how things workout, all I know is that I have to trust God. My future is looking kinda crazy all I know is that I have to trust God. It seems as if nothing is working out the way they they should be. 

Productive Parentimg

Haven't been written in a few days, actually abt. 2 weeks and I need to get caught up. My life has been kinda busy so I didn't have time to really write. Being a parent takes up more time than I realize at times but I am not complaining because I have plans for my kids. They won't be perfect but they will work hard to become great people. I love my job as a parent. For me to be a great role model for my kids I have to put them before I put myself. I am okay with that just to make sure I help my kids to become a much better person than I was at their ages. 

God put your here for a reason

Now here's the time to put up or shut up. Time to sink or swim. Are you going to live life the way you want or are you going to continue to watch life pass you by. Shit or get off the pot, if you will. If you need some extra courage or help, mmbotivation to get you need to beb then by all means get it. Remember you never want to be stuck in the same position that you have been. Always make sure you are progressing, always moving forward. This is really a note to self actually. My life is designed for a to fail. This average life was put in front of me to live, well this average life isn't what I want. Pastor Joel Osteen always reminds me that God wants us to live above and beyond what we expects to live, abundantly blessed lives therefore I will not and can not be average. My God didn't give me this life to be normal so I won't be. I only have one life to live so why not live it to the fullest and get everything I am going after. Live!!

Selfishness

Being selfish is never me, that isn't something that I do. I am always trying to help everybody that I can. However it often occurs to me that people never invest in me how I invest in them so I have be able to be selfish. Selfish with mytume, selfish with my love, jst selfish  with me period. In order for me to get everything that I want and need I gotta be selfish. Nobody will give be anything so I have to take what I want and need. LIFE is filled with choices and I choose to put myself first. I have always been first to help others even when others left me hanging. I was born with a Good heart. I enjoy helping others, damn near everybody can and will get help from me. I realized thermometer was willing to help me. No I am not a person who never does Good and I am not the person to watch everybody else struggle. I try but most often the help is not reciprocated. You can't get mad just know that those people you trust can't be trusted as much as you thought you could trust them.

Being a better me

So I am in awe of Gods goodness. I kept always feeling like I never got any big blessings until today. I got one today though. I can truly say that I am blessd and I have received the hugest blessing ever. My daughters school have helped me tremendously. Being a single parent has afforded me a few hardships along the way. I am always feeling like I struggling more than I have to. I have decided to stop crying and take charge of my life. No pity parties for me, just keep it moving. I don't look to others to help me although I should not be raising my children by myself, I feel like this may have been a calling by the Lord. There are things that I don't quite yet understand however; I simply have to take it in stride. Life is tricky sometimes and you just have to go with the flow of it all and be determined to finish.Got to stay positive and keep moving forward and believe in your dreams despite what others are saying. You simply have to talk yourself out of listening to other voices, including the voices in your own head that tell you that you don't know what you are doing. Stand your ground and know that everything will the way that you want it to. No matter what believe in you. Don't take no for an answer, keep on striving to be your best. You determine your own outcome. No matter what study your craft and always continue to be in learning mode. You are a forever a student continuing to learn in this game of life. I simply said to myself that I won't give up on me, I will not lose no matter what cards I am dealt. I am always on a quest to be better. And do better than I was taught. I gotta make sure I make it and do better. Never stay where I came from. Always dreaming with my head in the cloud, dreaming big. Wanting more than I thought I can ever imagine. More than I see myself getting. I have to see need than I actually see.

Living life on my own terms

So I am not concerned anymore anout how others feel I gotta just do what comes naturally and live. Am I nervous? Yes. Do I get scared yes? But that doesn't keep life from going on. Fuck that scared shit. Fuck that nonsense. I gotta live, let life happen. No more being too apologetic, no more worrying about petty bull sh_t gotta let that sh_t go. Who cares abt the nonsense. Let that scared shit blow out of the window like a cook breeze, feels good tho right? It ain't easy but let that shit go. Who needs that? Just my inner thoughfs,my inner minds creeps up and tries to take control of everything. Let that go. Be unafraid and relax.This is life, go and do what comes naturally. 

Going with the flow of life.

I am about to get a little more open. Lemme began to express myself without thinking abt it. I am always careful abt everything. A good friend got me this way, making sure that I protected my image, even if noone is watching that I no of. Always be mindful of people no matter what. This is something that I wanna do, just because I do. I have to let go of my fears before I talk myself out of it. Nevousness keeps me from being open but curiousty is making this cat anxious. I gotta do it. There will always be the what ifs and unanswered questions and thoughts. I gotta relax and let go. It's life, gotta go with the flow of it.

Meeting my fav

So I can write this down in my own personal history. As I sat down I logged on to Twittaa as I call it for a min, just to see what they were tweeting abt. As soon as I got on one of my Angel Sisters retweeted a tweet from Trey. It was a pic and he said he was comin to my city, he was comin to Detroit, Mi!! My jaw dropped and I suddenly got excited. I suddenly got excited, I would have a chance to meet the guy that I admired for the last few years. The guy that gave me the strength to simply be myself. Of course I retweeted what my she had retweeted and I instantly went to his page to make sure and to see if he was still tweeting. Yeesss, my dreams were coming true. Did I have a chance that many fans/Treys Angels have had before me? It seems as if I did as I looked at the picture that Trey tweeted and posted on instagram. I had to immediately start planning for that day, I wanted my first meeting with my fav to be special. I wanted him to remember me, I wanted to always stick out in his mind. As I read the flyer Trey posted I realized what you had to do to meet him. In order for you to meet him you had to purchase one of Treys brand new CDs entitled "TRIGGA" for FYE. Now I had previously purchased his newest CD more than a few times but since I had to purchase another to get his autograph, it looked like thats what I was going to be doing. I was overjoyed, I had never been in front of, I had never been actually face to face with the singer. I was so excited, me meeting Trey Songz the singer, I was ready. Actually I was ready since the I first saw the flyer he tweeted. That was 2 days before the actual meeting was to take place. I replayed and replayed the thought of us meeting in my head all day. I kept thinking actually fantasizing about our meeting. I wasn't sure who all knew about him coming to Detroit so I texted, messaged who all didn't know Trey was on his way to Detroit on a few days. I had texted a few spoken to a few other Angels who were deciding if they were actually coming out. I had spoken to Dominique an Angel who was trying to see if she was coming out. She was another Angel that lives in another city here. We exchanged number so that I coyld see if I could meet her there as well. She was going to meet me at the signing along with Kesh that next day. I texted Kesh, another Treys Angel who responded and said that she would be at work early that day and asked me if I would purchase her copy for her and she would be joining me after words. Of course I could for her. She had met Trey maybe a good 3 or 4 times previously and would love to meet him again at this signing. I was beyond excited and words couldn't contain my happiness. I had to make sure everything was perfect for me to meet him. My children go to summer camp everyday from 8 am to 5pm since I was going to meet Trey this day I decided to keep them with me. Trey loves kids anyway and I know that my kids would get a kick out of meeting Trey so we, my younger 2 kids and I set out to Berkeley that morning. The bus actually took longer than anticipated so we actually caught a cab and it actually wasn't as far as I expected Well I actually never inquired how far Berkeley was from where I live. We arrived at FYE shortly after 9 am and FYE opened at 10 am. As we pulled up I noticed the line to FYE was wrapped around the corner. That discouraged me a tad bit because I never realized how big of a star my fav was until I saw the line wrapped around that corner. I knew he was a humongous super duper star but people go extra hard for stars that they love. I knew when I got there and saw those other fans, I knew our day was goin to be long. When we arrived I instantly searched through the crowd for anybody that I knew. But once I didn't see anybody I just stood in line like the others waiting to see Trey. Once it turned 10 am and the store opened we all waited in line to buy our copies of #TRIGGA and to receive a wristband ensuring that we would get our CDs signed by our fav artist. I was so excited that I was even there. I had never even met Trey before, I had heard all of these stories from everybody else and I just wanted to see what it was really like. I relished the thought. He had meant so much to me.He had helped me so much just by being himself, just by having the attitude that he had, being so selfless, I had to me him. Eventually we were led in one by one to purchase our copies of Treys latest CD. I found at least another Treys Angels Sister Jayne that I had spoken to on Twitter but never met before. As I purchased my copy, I also had bought a copy for another Angel Kesha who was at work but would be joining me after she got off of work around 12 pm. My children were behaving and I was happy as we sat down and waited for the meeting to begin. It was shortly after 10 and we had all day to wait. I found Jayne and sat near her and the others she was with. Dominique came shortly after and I was happier to at least know a few others that were among all of the young ladies that were there. Sitting there was a task being that it was only 10 am and Trey wasn't scheduled to be there until 4 pm. I had my copies of #TRIGGA along with the wrist band that ensure my meeting of him. Only one was mine, the other copy belong to Kesha who was coming to meet me and wait in line to get her CD signed as well. We all sat as I listened to all of the other women tell me about there times of meeting him and being in his company I was psyched about meeting him. We had time to kill and the kids were bored so I kind of let them play inside of the store while we waited. Passing time talking helped me. We waited and they finally asked up to get amped up to see Trey. Most of the people there had started screaming, it was almost time for him to arrive.As they. Got us really to see him and while we were sitting waiting these guys were walking around the store. The radio station came and started interviewing people. I got excited because I was imagining what our meeting would be like. In my head there were many of scenarios that played out.  Finally his people got everything togethef in coordination with the stores policies There were other people walking around and I thought I knew most of Treys entourage but I was still unsure of who everyone was. All of a sudden everyvody started screaming and I am standing there bewildered looking for this guy who,  in my opinion had changed my life, my thoughts and my beliefs in life. While everybody was screaming, I was looking for this amazing guy qho had changed my life. This guy who made me believe in myself in over 20 years. The guy who didn't even know that I existed other fhan a few tweets. Orginally I had only bought one CD and then I figured that it would be cool if my kids had there own CD, their own personally experience with Trey. My kids would thank me for this hopefully. Lol So I got my 2nd CD for the kids to get signed, so that they could havevtheir very own Trey experience, just as I was. So I hear all of these screams and in walked one of my favorite people in the world. Looking at him I was kinda shocked, I didn't know wgat to expect. But there he stood, all 6'1" inches of the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen in my life. All of the pictures that I had seen. The pictures most certainly hadn't did him any justice. And that beautiful smile lit up the entire store. Whenever you saw that smile you couldn't help but to smile as well. Amid of all the screams, the manager had actually gotten us to quiet down, line up and get ready to get our CDs signed. They had us take our booklets out so that Trey could autograph each one individually. This moment had always been a dream of mine to actually of mine. I couldn't believe he was standing that close to me. I wanted to pass out, I wanted to scream but I had to hold it together. I didn't want my kids to see me freak out so I held my composure and kept myself together while awaiting to see this man in person, to touch him to hold his hand, just to be as close to him as possible.  We were all lined up and I kept imagining how this moment would be played out. Then they had us all lined up with out booklets to our CDs out. My imagination was getting the better of me. We were all lined up waiting to meet Trey, this guy that I held close for so many years. I had never been this close to him and now that I was, I didn't know what to do. I patiently await my turn in line as I got closer to my dream of meeting Trey and actually speaking to him, smiling at him and being able to be as close to him as possible. My wildest dreams have came true and I was so excited I couldn't speak. As we got closer to the table I started to get really nervous. What would I say? What would I do? Would I spazz out, cry or simply play it cool? I mean he was only Trey fuckin Songz, the man I had admired since 2010 not only for his music but also his views on life. He had became not only a sex symbol to me also a life coach and mentor. I loovvee Tremaine Aldon Neversome. He meant the world to me. As my children and I stood in line to meet him with about 5 people i
n front of me I started to relax. I said Cici, his assistant greeting everybody as we all stood in line. The women in front of us were trying to decide who would record their experience, they couldn't decide so graciously asked me if I would record theirs. I agreed and began to record theirs. We were next and I became quiet as if I couldn't talk. I was the proud mom as I watched my children interact with Trey as his face lit up as my children approached him. He saw me, smiled and spoke. I smiled the biggest brightest smile and reciprocated the greeting. I watched my children have the experience of my life. Lol Him loves kids and hevwas really having a great time with the kids. I totally loved the way he interacted with my kids,  even hi5'ng my son. As my kids walked away they walked as away my daughter walked away she slid Trey a small FYE bag. She told Trey "I have a gift for you" he was quite surprised as she handed the vag. He opened the bag a saw the pack of starburst. He smiled, as he took the candy out of the bag. "I love Starburst" he told her. I smiled hard. My daughter kbew qhat she was doing, I taughter her well. Well Trey signed our booklets and it was over. We walked away with smiles on our faces as we looked at our signed autographed booklets. Our moment with Trey was over so quickly I couldn't believe it. Then I realize that I barelg even spoke to Trey. I immeadiately started going over what I shold have did, what I should have said to make my moment last longer. As we walked down the street I kept saying "I never even talked to Trey, he didn't even notice me" And I was sad. My kids said "Mom, you didn't hear him speak to you?" I said "Noo" and couldn't believe he actually was talking to me and I didn't hear anything from him, I didn't even acknowledge him at all. I felt like a loser because I never did all of the things I said I would do when I first meet Trey but I just looked at mg signed booklet and smiled to myself. After all I did meet Trey and got my first signature from the man I have always admired.

Typical

Getting to know me is very difficult. I can tell you that I am not a typical woman. The questions that you typically ask other women gets on my fucking nerves. And that shows me that you are a typical guy so I don"t want to talk to you in the first place. Distinguish yourselves from the average guy because I am a different type of woman so pleasr don't treat me as if I am one of them. Give me a reason to allow you to pursue me. Most guys only want sex anyway and they will try their damnest to get what they want.
I feel like why give you tips to get the key and open the door to my heart if you aren't who I want or feel that you aren't worthy of giving my love to? I don't want every guy opening my heart up and using me for their own personal needs and uses. I am a limited edition. Not for every guy. Most guys will tell you what you want hear to get close to your heart. Only to use you for their own personal reasons. I can't stand guys like that. Selfish ass negro who want you for their own pefsonal use.

Fed Up

Today I was passed my point today. It is hard being me. I just get so tired to all of the situations that I am in. Being a single parent is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had. I wouldn't change it for the world tho. This job, this calling is one that I wouldn't change for the world. No matter how bad I am feeling, my kids keep the smile in my heart, they keep me going no matter what. My job is often too difficult but they continue to help me keep going. I say that things happen for a reason, it's all a part of God's timing.

Taking the day off

Yesterday I was alone, so I decided to take the day off. My kids are still gone so I decided to treat myself to the Days inn. It isn't really that much more expensive than the others it's just higher quality. I checked in, I got my dinner and I relaxed. I laid down and relaxed. I let all of my worries and troubles leave my mind for the night. It was relaxing, very relaxing. I enjoyed my night alone. I allowed myself to be lost in tje enjoyment of the quietness. I know my therapist will be happy

Be thankful for all things

So I had an issue with a certain person in my life and I let it stop me, stop my life. Why did I do that? That is what I am used to doing. I have wasted time because of it. Not me anymore. I can't stop moving, I have to continue even if I struggle doing it. Gotta smile , thank God for the good and bad, gotta be thankful for everything. You always appreciate everything, it taught you something. Whether you liked it or not. I decided to just move on from that spot and live. While you are sitting there mad and upset, the world continues to move.

Forgiveness

To be able to forgive is much easier said than done. Epecially when it's something that you've held close to your heart. You can say "Ok, I can forgive you" but do you really mean it? Can you speak those words and truly let it go? Let go of a deep dark thing that has held you in bondange for so long, for so many years. That deep hurt, that pain in your heart that is so hard to walk away from. Can you actually leave it in a spot and walk away from it never to visit that place again. I once was in a place of that nature and the pain held me captive for years. I was able to address the pain,then walk away from it. I am much happier now and very happy to not be in the  I was in. The same place that held me captive for years. It was silly how kept me captive, I was afraid of moving. I was stuck because I was afraid of change. How can I be afraid of the changes that God set up for me? God doesn't want me to be afraid of all of his goodness he has planned for me. I will not be of all of his new works he has for me. I am not afraid of living life. Praying as I take my every step. I am not as I used to be. Forgiving people is not easy for person very stubborn. Some things aren't as easy as you would want them to be. In order for me to get to all of the goodness that God has for me, I have to cross a few barriers.  There were a few things that hurt me a lot I stayed in that confused place for years. I cried and I didn't understand why but I had to write it out and get it out of my system. To finally write it and move on was the best thing for me. It was quite a challenge to see certain people,to stand face to face with them and not be weak. To not afraid. See a long time ago, I learned to not face opposition head on. Now I realize it isn't that bad to face all of my fears. What I am scared of. There were tons of people who have done me wrong but I can't stop living life. I must move on. Not to say that I am an angel,I am not always right however I don't feel I cause all of the action that make my life so hard.  It's life so I can't trip. Gotta get over everything that I failed at and move on. Time to make everything right not only  in my life but the lives of my kids.only I want them to forgive me for all of my failures.

Assumption 101

Hmmm, so I hv an issue with people and how they think. I totally understand I don't have to pay people any attention but it annoys me that when people do not take take to get to know me they assume the worst. I had to spend the night with a friemd recently after church. I waited for a specific church friend to drop me off, before he could come outside of church another member offered  to drop me off. He said that him and his wife lived close to the near where I was going. Since they offered I accepted the ride they offered. He said "We can drop you off as soon as my wife walk out." He said. We waited for her to get out and I called my friend to let him know who would be dropping me off. He said "Ok, no problem" As soon as she got out her husband let her know that they would be dropping me off. The was pleasant but long because they lived west and we were east. Towards the end of the ride the wife turned to me as we exchanged pleasantries and asked me if I had enjoyed the service and I nodded I did enoy the amazing service that the church had. It was actually revival on a Friday evening. As we rounded the corner to get to his house the wife also asked if I got the message that the Evangelist was deliving I nodded yes and spoke and the words "yes". The wife simply replied "So you know that if God comes back tonight, he wouldn't take you right? I tried to disagree with few words. She repeated again, "You know if God comes back tonight he won't take you." Honestly, I didn't wanna argue nor seem disrespectful so I just said "ok" and shook my head as they pulled up to to my friends house. I thanked them as I got out. I ended up telling my friend what the church member had said to me mostly because I had never spoken to the woman or her husband so I could believe that she would think of me in such a bad way. I never spoke of it again. The next day my friend got me a ride back on the eastside we didnt speak on what the lady to me but one day he called me out of blue to tell me that he and the church lady had a discussion about the night that I spent the night at his place and he had to correct her because she said the exact same thing to him. He corrected her and explained the details of my spending the night with him. I havent seen the lady since but I had another church member try to tell mw that I should have explainex to her fully the circumstances of that night. Then she wanted to apologize for assuming the worst of me when she didn't know me nor and just assumed the worst in me. Im not a bad gal, nor do I try to do anything vad. Im not percect Im just a work in progress.

My Life

My Life

A question for you

What would you tell your younger self, if you could? Me personally, I would tell myself to focus on your dreams and goals. I would tell myself to follow my dreams and always believe in myself. Always make sure that I complete everything that I start. Never leave any stone unturned. Focus on your dreams, focus on my singing. Focus on my voice. Fous on my writing. Write books, sing songs. Love every bit of yourself, you're beautiful. Follow your heart. I know what I would tell myself. But what would tell yourself? What you give yourself advice to put yourself in a better position in life now?

Naturally Me

So this is honestly my very first time being open about my hair. Although I have been natural since 2010. I went natural before that but moving and not taking care of my hair caused major breakage to the point of me just cutting off my damage hair, relaxing it and starting over. But befor my move out of Detroit I was natural for at least 3-4 years. Once I moved I didnt have the utensils to keep my hair up so most of it was damaged. Once I moved back and got my relaxed once I decided once again to not relax my hair anymore. I started the upkeep of hair. I kept my hair mostly braided or straightened and flat ironed. I began to take Biotin again to ensure good growth of my hair and nails. Also to make sure that my skin looked radiant as usual. I love having my hair braided. Since I keep it braid, that ensures me that my hair will continuously grow. I am such a fan of longer hair and it being natural is a plus for me. I despise washing my hair. Well me washing my own hair is always something that I dread. I don't actually dread it, I just love to get my scalp scratched or massaged by someone else. Lol Yeah that the lazy me talking. It is a process. But I havd started this process once again and I don't plan on stopping this time. I just want my hair to go and be naturally long. I have a descent type of hair kind of wavy and kinky. I even make sure my kids hairstyles are natural. People don't understand the damaging effects of sing a relaxer. My hair grows better witout chemicals in it so I choose to not put relaxers in my hair anymore.

I also choose to not relax any of my daughters hair anymore. I love the results that I get from my hair now. Now with the natural state that it's in. I feel gorgeous when I style my hair. Whether it's straight or kinky curly. I absolutely love the texture of my hair, its beautiful.

Being patient, waiting on God

Im embarking on a new journey. All of my issues from my past can't affect my future if I don't let it. I have to be secure within myself, I have to trust myself. I can't be anything to anybody else  or say anything to mess up my life. I have to be the master of my own destiny. It seems so easy to say it just isn't as easy for me to do. I must be secure in being me I have to love myself more than anybody can or will love me. These are my stepping stones. I can't predict the future for anybody else however I can predict my own future, my own destiny. Smile, smile and smile. I have to live for me. My life is just beginning to fall into place. I can tell my story, be done with that story and simply begin again. I have more stories to tell. I have lived quite a life.

My Life: Love

My Life: Love

Trey Songz - Smart Phones [Official Audio] 2014

Treys newest song and I absolutely love it. Who hasn't been a part of a pocket call? Take a minute and listen to this song. Comments are welcomed. Thank you!!

I won't apologize for keepin it real

   

I found myself recently tryna fit in with a group of females as if I  needed their approval. But for what? And who were they? Nobody in particular but I found myself just really trying to fit in like they were the coolest thing since sliced bread. I had to step back and think. I can't be nobody but me. I spent so much time tryna get them to like me, I stopped being myself. But why do that, why stop being me? That was pointless of me. Had to focus on myself and only worry about me. I am really tryna stop being a people pleaser. It has been a transition for me but I am getting there. Like the lyrics in Mack Wilds song says " Ima do me and you do you. Thats wassup"

A day of pain

So my body is in pain... Again. It seems as if my body is and has become dependant on these pain medications to help me function as a normal person. This saddens me at times because I feel like my body can't function with out any medication. It will start with a slow pinch of pain and then turn into a large throb in certain parts of my body. Right now it is my wrist and it is slowly growing up my arm. There is a constant pain in my right leg/ankle and that also grows into something larger than what it started out being. It is very cold outside and where we live it is rather chilly inside ofy place. They don't understand how certain temperatures affect my body. The right side of my right foot seems to always be numb to the touch. Having a part of your body stay numb is very weird. Meanwhile my right hand/wrist is in pain. I just ate a bowl of soup to calm my aching throat. I woke up to a sore throat and can't wait to get rid of this sore throat and feel better. Going through all of these issues here because of this cold weather

I am in such a personal space right now. I can't be disturb or thrown off and not finish what I started.But now my mission is clea

rer and I have to remember that all goals have a time stamp. I wanted to write is book for sometime and I had so much to say, to express. I held so much anger and bitterness in my heart for the people who hurt on misuse me. But why hold on to the crap from other people. They most definitely are not stopping their lives because they hurt me. They choose to keep on living and functioning the way that they do. I have chosen to move on with my life, cry a few tears and keep doin me, regardless to how others feel my life should be. Yes I get hurt but I must move on ans simply stay in a happier place. Thanksgiving was an emotional holiday for me. I finally got a chance to let her know how I felt, is all that mattered. Sitting behind bars being for even accused of the crime that I was accused of for a profit won't ever sit right in my heart. And to have your own family accuse you of such horrific things for a monetary gain is the worst feeling in the world. It still saddens my heart to remember the pain that I felt at that time. Sitting there and feeling helpless is the worst I've ever felt in my life. I have a copy of every lie that was told, every word that was spoken against and can read it as much as I want but chose not because it is not the easiest to stay out of bad feelings. I just chose to be honest with myself first and figure out how to deal with my feelings later.

Cold!!

So over all of this snow. I mean it is beautiful and all but so darn cold!! You have to smile at it because falling snow is so nice to look at but the coldness of it, to be outside in the midst of the cold is nothing nice. This cold weather puts me in a bad mood but because it is so wonderful to be alive you can't help but see the beauty in it.

Mack Wilds - Own It