Self Esteem

Happiness is always important for your self esteem. It is never a good thing for anybody to not feel good about themselves. For a really long time I allowed other people to be in control of my happiness. At those times I was very unhappy with myself. It took for someone to remind me that I had to be happy with me and I didn't have to let anyone else control me or my thoughts. Once I realized that I felt better about me. Being in control of my happiness started wit me.
#Happiness #Self esteem #You #Positivity

I am loved

There are always times in my life that I feel like life is going the way that it should go. No matter what I am happy. And I have a huge smile on my face. Dealing with unhappiness is always very tough but no matter what I am always rejoicing. Being happy is what get's me thru my days. Being able to see that people have a certain amount of love for me gets me thru my days. Not only does that make my heart smile I feel amazing inside and out. God gives you what you need from who you need it from. Not necessarily who exactly from peoole that you feel should have love for you. Either way, I love feeling good about everything. I love when life is good.

My life, it hurts

As I sit here today. I am sad. I feel that no one cares, I feel that no one truly loves me. Well in my family they don't. And that is a disappointment to me. I can't go to my mother. Everytime I try, I get met with damaging words. She may not mean it the way that it comes out but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I often feel alone. All I have to hold on to is my kids. I know that they do truly love me. So I try not to mess up my relationship with them. A lot of times, I smile because that is what I am used to doing, covering up my feelings, masking the pain that I feel. I get what I need from who I need ot from. God makes sure that I smile daily. He knows what I need.

I gotta do better

My life has taken a downfall recently. I feel that I can't trust people. They always let me down. Instead of me doing what is normally right, I want to do what I want to do. I don't trust men. They lie so easily and look you right in your face and lie. I am so tired of always being on the receiving end of a lie. I often keep details about myself from new people that I meet. I don't trust many people. I am tired of being tired. Guys wanna meet me for the wrong reasons. Guys see me and think about sex. I feel that is all they want to deal with me for. That makes me feel horrible and worthless in their eyes. They see me as somebody that they can fuck or get to give them head and I am not about that. Every guy that I meet I wants to have sex because they think I am pretty. Why can't I just be a nice lady that guys wanna be friends with? Everything is about sex nowadays and I don't feel that is right. But it is the way of the world now. Most days I don't do my hair and it is often in a ponytail to the back. It doesn't matter to me that I look like that. I'm ok, with looking the way that I look. I still smile anyway. I try my best to make sure that I keep a good relationship with my children. They are all that I have. I do not have a good relationship with certain parts of my family. And that hurts me deeply. I get sad at times but I have to hold it in. My children make me laugh, make me cry, make me smile feel good about me. They are all that I have.

Unsure if you truly wanted me

I have always felt a certain way abt the way I have been treated all my life. I am too grown to be in my feelings all my life. The lies you tell me makes me think that you don't care. Makes me feel like everything was lies. How I supposed to go on and be a better me? I am not sure what is real or fake. Either way I am here and I have to continue to live life.

What am I doing? I gotta let go.

Why do I feel the need to chase people that don't want me? Why do I think that he loves me and he only needs more time to make up his mind? If he really wanted me then he wld have said something. I started out in this relationship with him wanting me only to end up chasing him and trying to make sure that he is okay. He doesn't want me. I stay around because we have so much history. Why can't I let go? Why is it so hard for me to leave? He clearly has a life outside of me. I began chasing after him because we have so much history. I need to let let that go. I need to walk away. I don't even see myself being in a relationship right now. There is so much hostility when it comes to the relationship that we had. In the beginning I hurt him with the choices that I made. I slept with a man that I knew that didn't care about me. I had a child with a man that all we had in common was sex. I believed that since I made myself love him that we could stay together. Ultimately I didn't love him after loving him too much. We only had sex in common. I loved having sex with him until he depended on the love too much. All of my love turned into him using me for what he could. I am done though, I need to change my life, I need and want for my life to be better. I want a better, simpler life. Life is too short for anything else. I want to always strive for excellence. I have to do better for my life and the lives of my children. Life is too short to not do what we want to do in life. I have to let go of trying to be more to him than he wants me to be. He may have been in love years ago but he isn't now. I have to get over all of that old shit and keep moving. I need to love me more than I love anybody else. I have to.

Late start

When I was a kid, I never felt like I could be anything. I was a push over, all my life. Did everything that everybody else wanted me to do. I never felt like I could do what I wanted. Never felt like I could follow my own dreams. I never felt like I could listen to my own inner voice. Why? I did I never feel like I could? Once I became older I began to think for myself. And once I did, there was no stopping me. I maybe a little old for do exactly what I want to do but I have to start somewhere. Lol I have to make my own mark on this world. I gotta learn to just do things for myself. I am actually starting where the good Lord wants me to. I have to start here and now. We all have issues, dreams and goals to accomplish. I am starting now. I gotta follow my own dreams and thoughts. I have start doing things that I want. Life isn't life, until you live it to the fullest. I guess, my life is really officially starting to go in the right direction, well the direction that I want it to. I have to plan as much as I can. I have to have my life mapped out. So that I can get the most out of my life. I want to write. I want to sing. I have to work on my look. I need my image to be better. I have to push my kids to do whatever it is that they want to be. Not push but make sure that they know that the choice is always theirs. I can help them but that is theirs lives to live. I have to get them into doing whatever they want to do. I have to go back to school. I have to take up some writing classes, some music classes, some vocal classes, some dance classes as well to keep my body from being stiff. That will help me with this MS and give me rhythm. I can admit that my body doesn't have any rhythm. It didn't have much have any  before the MS set in. I just need to dance and get some rhythm. I have to live my life like I never have before. Life is for living and I will do just that.

Memorial Day Shenanigans

I'm learning how to be okay with myself around those who I am not that comfortable around. Learning to be simply okay with myself after all of these years of being uncomfortable with everything. I am just comfortable being me. I believe once I turned maybe 36 or I just was tired of living under a cloud. I wanted time be Happy with myself. And by all means I did What ever it look to get there. Often my family thinks that I can't cook. Only because I am not around enough for them to try my food. I get to spend more time with my family.

My life in a nutshell

Why am I having such a difficult time doing anything? Today Ms Render had me in tears. I know that I need help. I don't need anybody else to point that out for me. I was offended. Why did it hurt so bad? Not sure but it did. I don't need anybody else to point that out for me. No thank you ma'am. I don't need your assistance in that direction. That is not helping me. Helping me is helping me not telling me that I need help. So apparently I can't get help that way. I was offended that She suggested that I only forgot Maijahs appointments and noone else's. I know that I have work to do so I have to start with me. I wanted to crawl under a rock with the way she made me feel. But ok, enough of feeling of me feeling inadequate, I will do better. I have to. Yeah I know I need therapy, you're telling me something that I already know, thanks for paying attention to that. I don't appreciate her harsh judgement, her character means well. But her word delivery is not the best. I just have to try harder. I really appreciate all of the help but no thanks.

2015 Walk MS Donation Form - National MS Society

2015 Walk MS Donation Form - National MS Society

Often lost

Life isn't always fare but we Gotta live it to the max. This grieving process that I have to go through isn't easy. Stomach still in knots, having irrational thoughts to comfort me. All I know is that I am ready for this all to be over with, grieving and the way my stomach is in knots is definitely over rated. Because this brings back all of the thoughts and words that came to mind at the time. I am trying to get passed these hard times and feel better about the entire situation. I am not shedding tears any more however; still feeling this way as if I lost some one so important to my life. I can laugh, smile and remininise about our good times but I can not bring back  person who left this earth so abruptly. 

Grief

      In the pit of my stomach is a knot. The circumstances surrounding the knot in my stomach weighs heavy on my heart. I have been dealt a blow and I feel like I can't handle  all of the blows was that I keep getting dealt. Another life was cut short, another person made their way out of my life. The circumstances surrounding his death were inevitable for his and I am miserable because it. I never like to say goodbye to the people that I feel are supposed to be there. It is too hard to say goodbye, I never want people to leave even if aren't in my life daily. I stay in denial because I want people to stay forever.