This life that I live

    

     Here I sit. I just started my 1st semester at my local community college I started with high hopes and anticipation. I figured that everything wld be easier than it was.

     My goal is to end with 2 different associate degrees. Maybe even get a bachelors degree? Who knows what my future holds. This is step 1, the beginning. One being a associates in Journalism's and the other in some sort of assocites in music.  Starting with this semester being that this was my first yr back in school, I hv to do more for myself. School is difficult at times but you can't quit when life gets difficult. You really have to just dig right in, simply be all in. Take nothing for granted.

I have been writing since I was a kid and since I enjoy it so much it gave me a reason to do this full time. From just casually writing down my thoughts to taking pages to getting out my aggressions gave me a better reason to do more. I usually start a blog but not finishing my thoughts and publishing my words to spending a decent amount of time to becoming a better me makings me smile to doing more. Writing is something that makes me happier with my life, as I feel more accomplished as a writer to write and post a very thoughtful blog. How can I not do better than what I was as it was really needed to be done? As I write my thoughts flow consistently as I type. I am looking for to becoming a better me, mind body and soul. I can only be me in each way. I am loving each and every part of me. I will register my classes as I will see if I can still be in this spaces as bein opposed to somewhere else.

     I look forward fo getting these degrees and keep my head focused on my goals. I have goals to attain.

#Love, #Goals, #KeepReachingAndStrivingForBetter, #Life, #ABetterMe, #Writer #WritersBlockFlow, #Journalist,

Prioritizing me first

There ain't no way. I gotta remind myself, when I am in certain places, how I don't wanna live. I have to strive for greatness every time I seek to do something. If I don't like my surroundings change them. Never put more on myself than I can bear. Quit worrying, God has got my back. He can and will take care of me. I was happy to see my sister and her family. Quit looking for a pity party. Why feel sorry for yourself? Nobody else cares, they have their own problems. When you need to release talk some, write it out. Go after your what you want. Respect the feelings of others but don't allow that to keep you from doing what you want to do. I've spent most of my life worrying about others and how others feel. I have to make sure I look out for myself and make myself happy before I think of everybody else. Making myself happy is my main priority. Fuck other people feelings when it comes to my own feelings because nobody cares about mine. I wrote this 4 yrs ago. Just never published this blog but I am publishing now.

The Frustration

      I am beyond frustrated. I simply do not understand. People stay doin the most. I simply can not believe the nerve of some folks. I inhale my crazy thoughts then exhale the bullshit. I try to laugh it off but my mind can't stop thinking. "Really, is this what you think of me?" But apparently you always feel that it is simply okay. All my life this has been you but; why? I can't get over this. But I have to and keep moving. I am done though.

     Today is a day that I have to get it together. I have always waited for the day to I could simply rest but; those day are always few and in between. I always feel like I need to do better or even more because I always feel like I don't do enough. I always want more re out of life. Nothing is ever enough for me. I am never exactly satisfied with anything.


      My life is simple however there is always the but. I can always think of reasons to throw a but into the mix. Living life just the way that I always have, I never can complain, there isn't ever any reason to. But I always will say whatever is easier, when every thing comes to mind. I can always be so complacent. I need not be this way but; life always take me there, no matter what. I have to stay afloat of everything, you don't know what the next day brings.


      I have to continue to reinvent myself daily to stay a top of my life. No day is promised to any of us. We all just have to stay prayerful, always try our best to do our best and to ask the Lord to be merciful on each of us. My goal in life is to do better everyday. And if it for us to still be here daily, then let it be for us.

Living life daily

      Being able to get up and accomplish everything that you see out to do is always great. I wake up happy everyday. Why not find joy in everything you do? People always look for the bad parts of life because they can't just be happy. That annoys me quite a bit.


      People often attempt to bring out here down; but why is there a need for that. My niece commented, "why show happiness" and my Sister agreed with the way that she felt. My Sister in law kinda agreed with me as my sister said that came frm my mother's side and not my dads.


      It's okay and I am fine with just being happy about my life. I have came a long way in my life. I refuse to be unhappy, about anything. Life gets tough at certain times however; I refuse to accept anything that makes me feel less than how I want to feel.


   
       Life is definitely what you make it and I am here to make all the best of everything. Happiness is always my goal.

Sabatoge

     For the longest time I've wondered how I've missed so many good opportunities by mainly being lazy, for no good reason. I feel that is the devil trying to make sure that I fail. But I will never just give on to that ever. It isn't in me to be a failure. I won't ever be that I can't do that to myself or anybody that believe in me.


Sure I have had hose moments that costs me all most a life time but as long as I am here, I will never give up, on anything ever, itlf it is meant for me then God will make sure that I receive it. I felt bad when I sabatoge myself. Often I wish that I can redo certain situations because at that time, they would help me. However life doesn't work that way, so I continue to progress in another way 

Realization

   


      So today I walked to my Dr office down the street. I wore my new "flats". Walking there was a bit of a task. I had to come to the realization that I am disabled.Not being able to walk straight or how you usually can do it. Certain days I feel that I can do everything, until; the pain sets in and it reminds me of my limitations and what I and not supposed to be doing.


      Crazy shit is that life continues with or without you doing anything. So you have to stay current on all life changes.
Sometimes people really don't understand it, they don't get what you are about or your movements. That is always fine, as long as you continue doing with you want.  You gotta love life and all that happens. I smile because I am alive another day. Can't complain but who really want to hear an complaints anyway. 

Back to the same thing

   

      My goals today are for me to see my daughter at Vista Marie or so I thought. I get off to a late start. I was still going anyway. I feel a certain way about my daughter who was left inevitably in a detention center. She is already 17 and doesn't need a lot of babysitting. She is old enough but also mentally slightly younger mindset. And then as I think about it, so do I. Kinda weird but; tht is the current situation. I know tht I operate thru a  younger person's mind set and tht is fine with me. To me, life is good and I love it. I get to go see her tomorrow. I can hug her and tell her tht I love her. Was on the bus today and got lost. I can give her her cards and pictures while giving her a big hug. So eventually, I got around to being able to see my daughter. My mother, who lives near the place took me up there. I finally was able to see her and hug her the way that I wanted. She makes me smile. I always thought because we didn't favor; that she was nothing like me, turns out she is exactly like me, imagine that. I love my mini-me even more.

     Today was such a great day!! I went to my first class "Writing Essentials". As soon as I walked in, I spoke to the teacher and she asked me " Where've you been"?, she asked. I gave a lame excuse as she proceeded to explain the course to me. She pointed towards the tables, "Sit where ever you'd like" as I found me a seat at the first table.


 She introduced as quickly as she could as the class quickly filled. I sat and joined the class as she began our lesson. She started instructing the class. Listening to her give us let me know that I was in the right place.



      As we started our lesson, she jumped right in and began to ask questions for what was posted on the board. She asked all kind of questions and what not afraid of getting student participation. I was kinda nervous but I jumped right, reading and asking questions. She put us in groups. I was the only girl in mine and first I sat and watched the boys work.



       Being that I was on the outside seat I could hardly hear what was being said. She showed us a picture of a painting "American Gothic" by Nathan Wood. I remembered seeing this portrait before. It was a farmer and his daughter. He had a serious, straight forward look standing there holding his pitchfork.  and his daughter looked kinda disturbed. When I first saw the picture, I thought that she was his wife. Our teacher asked us about the details of our part of the picture. His glasses were thin and wiry. The picture was a classic.

I learned that this class is all about details. Our homework assignment is the due at the beginning of class. I smile just because I am back in this learning environment. This is always a plus. I am learning. As I began writing previously, I always wanted to share so many details about the experiences of a tale. This is all new to me. The new start of my forever.

No words, the tales of my life.

     So I spoke to my daughter Tayana. The phone call was bittersweet to me. I love all my children, I feel like I am removed from my kids life. A year ago, lies were told and I was taken out of my kids lives. I don't speak to them as much as I feel that I need to. I did tell Tay that I had started my classes already. I told her of my plans of getting my degrees.

 I just want my kids to be proud of me. I feel so disconnected to my kids, even Erykah most of the times. At times I want to cry; but for what. And with that I just take a deep breath and keep moving. Sometimes I feel that my heart can't take it. This sadness that I feel is so disheartening. How do I get passed all of this? My kids have continue to grow up without me being around


At times I can't deal with this. I want to cry so bad. I get misty eyed and I continue to feel sad. And then my companion isn't real supportive but; I knew that before all of this previously anyway. All of this inevitable, this system is designed for us to fail, so why would I do what it wants me to. In my own head I usually suppress my feelings. My heart is hurt by the actions that lead up to the removal of my children.

The devil is always busy messing up lives. Sent my 17 yr old to a detention center because no one wanted to take care her. Yeah she has family however; no one wanted to be bothered to take care of her. I think that of all my children, she is the most like me. Yet she is the one that doesn't favor me as much as she favors her dad. Mentally she thinks the way that I do. I love and appreciate all of my children. I have to work extra hard to get my children back with me for good. My son was my biggest supporter and cheerleader. Even he doesn't call me as much as he used to and that hurts to but what can I do but; accept it.

Today is a new day

     So today is a new day for me. Currently I am happy, I recently started a new relationship and am as happy as I can be. Well that lasted for a few months until the real him slowly showed up. I had to walk away for my sanity. He wasn't right for me. Someone told me that that they had a dream that I went to jail one day, I thought that it was funny until a few days later the situation dramatically changed. 

I had to pick myself  up and remove myself from that situation. I liked him but not enough to continue risk my happiness. So now I am back to just being me. Happy, carefree, and loving life. You truly don't know what happens until it happens. Some stuff can't be explained. 

You can't take anything for granted. Simply do your best at all times to get the best results. Everyday you have to keep going and do the best for you. Tue only person that you should be trying to impress is you. You are the perfect person to keep a smile on your face. 

You are the light of your own life. No one else can be that for you but you. It took me a while but I finally got that picture. Being able to walk around with a smile on your face and joy in your heart are beautiful feelings. Knowing that everything works out in the most high's purposes is marvelous.

The Honest To God Truth

       For the longest time you try. When you want something for so long, and you want it to work, you try. You never stop trying. The little voice inside of your head instantly tells you that it won't work no matter what but; it is harder to let go and stop trying to make it work.




Only because you've tried to get it to work. Mentally you tell yourself not to give up, but then you tell yourself to let go, it doesn't matter as much as you think. I can let go right?!? Is what I continue to tell myself? But that is way to hard to do. You are actually just too afraid of letting go of the past. There are always good things that went on, good memories that were had, good times that were remembered.




Life is always made up of memories, some good, some bad. They had to be had. Life has to be lived the way that you need to live it. No matter what, and by all meanings it is yours do what needs to be done by you. All of these occurrences happens. And you continue to live another day. All things happen how they are supposed to right? You live life and time tells everything. Live everyday like your last.




We always look for the silver lining in everything, everyday.  Life is to be lived fully. You can't half do anything. Gotta always do your best. No matter what.